When you give a girl a heating pad, because her legs ache in the middle of the night, and the new heating pad doesn’t work, so you try to send it back and they say don’t bother, we’ll send you another one, and the other one will sometimes not reset after “auto shut off”
And you reach over at 5:30am - just hours after you went to sleep because you were working till midnight - to stave off a charlie horse that is waking you up - only to realize the damn heating pad won’t turn on, and the only way you get it to work is to unplug and replug it, but to do that maneuver, you have to turn on the light, which wakes you up
And as you lay there feeling your leg relax under the (finally working) heating pad, you realize you have to pee so you go to the bathroom, then you come back and see your daughter - two hours ahead - asks why she hasn’t gotten her contacts, and you look at your emails and realize the contact place wants a prescription, even though they have one on file, and your daughter says, “Hey! Why are you awake?”
And then realize you’re hungry, so you get out of bed to get a yogurt, then your mouth is too sweet, so you grab a couple of crackers, and a big chunk of hard something comes out of the cracker, and you think “that’s a big piece of salt for a cracker,” then you get back in bed - with your heating pad - and your tongue starts feeling around your mouth and you realize what you felt was not salt, but part of your tooth breaking off
So you answer your daughter (who just got a root canal) and say MORE DENTAL WORK! SORRY WE CAN’T BUY YOU THAT CAR, and tell her you’re going to read and go back to sleep, and then you reset your alarm because you don’t have to be anywhere till noon, and you fall back asleep, but the alarm goes off at 9:30 anyway, and you turn it off and make sure you’re alarm is still set for 11:20 and go back to sleep, but at 11, your dad opens the door because the three women who love me, but live in different cities, are worried that something bad happened and want to know I’m alive - even though one of them you just talked to earlier - and you tell your dad to tell your daughters and ex-wife to eat shit, and roll over
But you can’t go back to sleep anyway, so you get up and try to call your dentist, but they’re closed? So you shower and head out to meet your friend, who smiles at you and buys you a coffee.
If only the god damned heating pad would work!
Note: The hole on top is not what I cracked that morning. It’s the issue that started this entire dental journey into whatever savings I might have had 8 months ago. New tooth scheduled for May 2023. New crack is minor. Just annoying.